Remembrance
by LoulouFe07
Summary: Buffy is coming to term with her life, here are some of her thoughts about the present and some about the past!I am not that good at summaries but i hope you will want to read this and enjoy
1. Remembering the Past

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Btvs or Atvs.  So do not assume otherwise._**

**_A/N: This is a little something that I came up with while trying to fight another bout of Insomnia.  Please do not be too harsh me.  I wrote it at 5 in the morning so it might not be some of my best work._**

**_Timeline: After "Entropy" on Btvs._**

****

**_A/N2: Depending on the response and on the number of reviews I might write another chapter._**

****

**_Anyway enjoy:_**

****

****

Remembering the past 

             I look at the clock and it's only three in the morning.  I feel empty tonight, like almost any other night.  If I could just close my eyes and not think or dream.  I would love that.  How many nights have I laid awake in my bed? Two weeks.  I has been two weeks since I walked out of Spike's crypt. Since I told him that I did not love him and that I was using him.  Part of me is wondering why I am torturing myself so much.  I could just get of my bed, put on some clothes and go to him.  HE would comfort me.  HE would hold everything and 'me' would go away till morning.  

            "NO Buffy, you can't do that." I say to myself.  I can't go on using him.  I will hate myself if I don't stop.  "But don't you already hate yourself?" I hear myself reply.

            I wonder how long I will be able to continue to have this conversation's with myself.  I sit on my bed.  I know I am not going to sleep tonight.  I look around my room.  There are not that many things that have changed in this place.  Not since I moved in to Sunnydale.  The Hellmouth.  

            I brush the thought away.  I don't want to think about being the Slayer tonight.  I just want to think about me, Buffy.  NO demons, no stakes and definitely, no vampires.  I get up and walk to my dresser.  I open the first drawer to the right and take out a flower-covered book.  My diary.  I have not written in it in a while.  I can't remember the last time I picked it up. I look in the drawer again for a pen and than I see it.

             I pick up the little black box and my eyes widen.  I pick it up and stare at it.  I notice that my hands are shaking.  " What is wrong with me, it's just a box," I whisper to myself.  "Yeah right " answers a little voice inside of me.  I open it and hold my breath.  There, on a gray velvet bed, lies a silver cross on a silver chain.  " Angel," I whisper softly.  I hear a soft whimper and I am startled.  I did that.  I close the box and shove it back in the drawer.  I don't want to think about him.  I have moved on. " Have you really?" Asks a little voice inside of me.  But I don't answer.  Why bother? Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

            I so did not want to think about him.  Thinking about him only brought pain and sorrow.  There was no joy in thinking about the past.  About events that I could not change even if   I could.  I had seen him only once since I had been back from the dead.  Back form heaven.  He had been happy to see me alive, ask me if   I was okay.    We had talk about everything and nothing avoiding talking about how   I had returned.  He had not even said anything about missing   me. I had not mentioned that I came from heaven.  I had been haggard and he had been distant.  

            " I guess we are different people now." I moved back to my bed holding my diary in one hand and a pen in another.  Maybe writing might clear my head.  I open my diary, ready to write.  I drop it as if the pages had burned my fingers.  On the page I had open I had doodled a long time ago "Buffy and Angel forever" over and over.  I close my eyes trying to will myself not to think about him.  I had enough problems as it is.  I could not let old sorrows creep up in my heart.  Why rehash the past.   As I hugged myself I knew it was too late.  My thoughts were taking me back down on memory lane.  All I could do know was brace myself; it would be a bumpy road.   

            I was hearing the things that were said between us:

 _Buffy: "Angel, do you snore?"   
Angel: "I don't know. It's been a long time since anyone's been in a position to  
let me know."_

  This brings a slight smile to my face as I look to the floor of my room.  I thought of how happy I had been when he had uttered those words.  

Buffy: "I invited you into my home, and you attacked my family."   
Angel: "Why not? I killed mine. I killed their friends and their friends' children for  
a hundred years. I offered ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song  
in my heart."

I can't help the whimper that comes. It had hurt to hear those words, as much as the pain I had seen on his face.  The images just fly underneath the screen of my closed eyelids.

Angel: "I want to take comfort in you, and I know it will cost me my soul, and a part of me doesn't care."  
Angel: "It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man."  
Buffy: "What about me? I love you so much. And I tried to make you go away. I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it!"  
Buffy: "I wish that I wished you dead. I don't. I can't."  
Buffy: "Strong is fighting. It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do."  
Buffy: "But if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn."

" No, make it stop please" I whisper to myself bringing my legs towards my chest.  But they were still coming.

 _Buffy: "I want my life to be with you."  
Angel: "I don't."  
Buffy: "You don't want to be with me?"_

            I can barely breath as I remember these words.

Spike: "You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other until it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, its blood -- blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."

            Spike had been right.  Angel and I had grown apart and we had wanted to be friends but it never seemed to work out.  I had fought him, said hurtful words to him. He had tried to be there for me always.  I wanted the memories to stop.  "Angel" I whispered again.  Why had I not thought about you before? Why are you hunting my thoughts? Why now? 

            I wish I could find answers to these questions, but part of me knows already.  I miss him.  I look up the clock and it almost five in the morning now.  "The sun will rise soon," I think.  I pick up the phone. Could I call him? "And say what Buffy?"  Said the voice in my head.  I could tell him I missed him and that I was sorry for all the hurt that I had caused him and that I wanted us to talk to one another, try to be in each others life one way or another.  I am not delusional; I know that what we had is gone.  He is a different person and I am not the same either.  But part of me can't help the need to hold on and to lean on him.  I had been with other people but I had never confided in them the way I had with Angel.  " He helps save souls, your soul needs salvaging right now doesn't it?" 

            I pick up the phone again, ready to dial.  Fear stops me.  What if he is disgusted with me? What if I can't tell him anything? What if he has changed too much and doesn't even care?  "Don't you still care about him?" whisper that little annoying voice in my head.  This is it I am dialing.  I will call.  I am calling.  The phone rings.  One, two, three, as the rings go by, my heart sinks into despair.

            "Hello" Comes a muffle voice that startles me.  I had not expected anyone to answer after all those rings.  It takes me a few seconds to find my voice and I exhale more than I say: 

            "Angel"

            "Buffy!"  I hear recognition, surprise. 

            "Buffy …I …" Angel is at lost for words, which is not knew for me.  I open my mouth ready to unburden my soul, when I realize something.  He sounds in pain.  

            "Angel …Are you all right?" Than I hear a sob coming from the line and I feel my heart break.  "I am on my way." 

            "Buffy… don't, " He whispers.  My mind is made up though.  I have to go and help. 

            " Angel I will be there in lest that two hours." I don't even wait for his answer and hang up.  I get off my bed. I run to my closet and put on a pair of jeans and a black shirt.  I run nervous fingers through my hair, glad that I had cut it so short.  I pick up a small bag and stuff some clothes in there.  I go to Dawns room and gently shake my little sister awake.  She turns and looks at me dazed from her night sleep.

            "Buffy…what is going on?" she takes in my outfit and sits up, suddenly awake.

            " I have to go …help a friend. I am going to be gone for the day and I wanted to let you know?" I can tell by the look she is giving me that she is hurt.  I know she feels that I do not want to be around her or that I want to be here. I feel guilty about that because up until a few days ago, I did not want to be here. 

 I could tell her that I am going to see Angel.  That he needs me but I think it better than to day that.  I kiss her forehead and tell her to go back to sleep.  

            My next stop is Willows room.  What use to be my mothers room.  I gently wake her up and tell her about the same thing I told Dawn and ask her to call the Double Meat Palace and tell them that I am sick with something and that I can't come in.  She gives me a puzzle look but doesn't ask me to tell her where I am going and what friend? She just nods and gives me that soft willowy smile.

            I have stalled enough I believe and go down the stairs.  I go to the garage and take out my mother's jeep.  I haven't driven it in a while.  I usually avoided using it but I could not wait at the Bus station, I had to go now, Angel needed me.

**What do you think? Should I write more or just give up???? Let me know!**

  
  



	2. Sorrow

**_Disclaimer: Not mine…but I wish it were._**

**_A/N: Okay this is for those of you who reviewed and said that they wanted more.  Again don't flame me if this is not great.  I started it at 3 in the morning while cramming for my history final. (I am bah-a-ad bah-ad girl)._**

**_Timeline:  This happens after Btvs  "Entropy" and sometime after "Forgiving" in Atvs._**

****

**_Enjoy the read_**

**Sorrow**

"How long have I been standing there?" I wonder looking up at the Hyperion Hotel.  I got here about ten minutes ago.  When I left Sunnydale a few hours ago I was determined to walk through those door and go to help him.  I was not thinking about what we would say to each other or how awkward it might feel to be around him.  

"Come on Buffy, You have moved on and you are both adults?" I say out loud but I can hear in my head that little voice talking again denying my encouragement.  What am I expecting? Truly I do not know.  But I have stalled enough and I grab my bag on the passenger seat and get out of the car.

The Sun is shining and it's not too hot.  I look at the people walking in the sidewalk across the street from the Hotel.  Some look care free and happy.  I envy them for only a few seconds.  I look at my reflection in the windows of the car.  I have looked better I think to myself.  I fix my black t-shirt and fix my jeans trying to get the wrinkles out of them.  This might not be one of my best choice of clothes but I guess it will have to do.  I ran a few nervous fingers through my hair wishing I could curl them in. 

"Buffy, you have stalled enough. Angel needs you." I say to myself and I walk towards the double doors of the hotel entrance.   With each step I wonder if I had not make a mistake by coming.  I had not seen him for more than eight months, but for some reason I knew that it would feel like we had not seen each other in ages.  " Can I even help him?" I think as I stand in the lobby.

I size the hotel and can't keep the smile away.  I chuckle thinking of how much this place is so him, vast open space, big windows letting the light penetrate, a garden in the middle of the building. Yeah that was Angel's kind of place.  I look at the floor and jump.  "Since when is he in painting pentagrams on his floor?"

"Is anyone here?" I ask loudly.  My echo answers me.  "Angel? Cordy? Wes? Are you there?" I still get no answer.   I walk towards the staircase and go up a few steps.  I am puzzled for a while.  I wonder whether I should go to the right or to the left.  I concentrate for a while, hoping that I could sense him or not.  I take a step towards the right and feel a certain pull in the pit of my stomach.  Angel.  If I go down that hall I know that I will eventually find him.  I start down the hall concentrating on my "spider sense" hoping that there are no other vampires in the building.  I come to a full stop in front of a door that looks as if it barely standing on its hinges.  I feel a pull again but this time not in the pit of my stomach and I know that Angel is behind that door.  

I gently knock on the door.  I stand there for a few seconds waiting for a reply but nothing comes.  I could knock harder but I am standing at the door of a vampire with enhance hearing who could have heard my heart beat from the lobby.  " Is he ignoring me? Maybe he is hurt." At that thought I open the door anxious and I let out a gasp as I take in my surrounding.  The walls are black with sooth and the furniture looks charred.    I enter the room fully, wondering what in the world happened here and getting more worried with each step.  I feel his presence but I can't seem to see him.  

I hear a slight movement to my right and I move towards it.   I see Angel.  He is sitting on a bed starring at something.  I walk closer to him, curious to find out what has him so engrossed.  Than I see it and I halt.  A burned crib, what is that doing here?  Why is Angel so mesmerize by it? IS he? I look at him again.  His shoulders are slumped; his demeanor is of a lost man.  Something blue captures my attention.  He is holding in his hands a light blue blanket and a small bear.

I notice than that the whole room is full of artifacts that might belong to a newborn child.  My mind is racing with questions that I am not sure if I want them answered.  

"Angel" I whisper softly coming closer to him.  I reach a hand to his shoulder but I get no response.  I say his name again but it's like he doesn't even hear me.  So I go stand between him and the crib and it seems to get his attention.  He looks at me, and my heart breaks at the sorrow that I see in there.  I want to ask him what is wrong.  I want to know why are is eyes full of unshed tears.  To whom do the blanket and the toy belong to but I know better than to do so.  I close the gap between us.  I am not sure of what I am doing.  I want to touch him but he seems to be in so much pain that I am not even sure if that is the right thing to do.  " He looks broken," says the voice in my head.  "I wonder if whatever happened was the reason that I had led me to think about him after so long.  Was I here to help him be unbroken? 

" Buffy…" 

His voice brings me back to the situation.  He is staring at me and I get a flashback to another time where I had seen that much anguish in his face, when his soul had been return to him for a second time.  I put my hand on his shoulder hesitantly.  I am not sure of what to do so I just stand there and hope he will do or say something. 

I don't have to wait long. I hear a sob come out of his lips.  I feel him pull me closer to him as he buries his face on my stomach.  His hands are holding on to my shirt and his shaking trying to fight the tear and the anguish that are ripping his soul.  I gently run my hands threw his hair to provide comfort.

I am not sure what happened but for the moment it does not matter. All that matter is the man holding on to me now.  I know that all I want to do at the moment is protect him and I silently pray for the strength to do so.

AN: I know it is short.  Should I write more??? It all depends on whether you want more.  Please review and let me know what you think.


	3. Forever

**Disclaimer:  I think we all know by now that I don't own them.**

**AN: Thank you for your patience with me.  I finally got around to typing an ending to this story.  I hope that you all like it.  Please review…I need the reviews they give me incentive.  And I was wondering if anyone might be interested to become a Beta reader for me ^_^…I need help with the English …(it's not my first language).  I wrote this while listening to the Buffy and Angel Theme song ****L it made me cry…Anyway I am sure you don't want me to keep ranting so enjoy**

Forever 

This feels strange.  I feel so warm and comfy.  I have a weight on my chest.  Maybe Dawn had a nightmare and came in my room for comfort.  I let out a sigh of contentment.  I haven't felt like this for years.  The weight shifts position and mumbles something. I open my eyes. I hear a whimper but it's not from me but from the brown mane on me.  I bring my arm up and gently stroke his hair. I look around. I am not in my room.  I am with Angel. I came here earlier and he was hurting. He is sleeping now.  I don't want to wake him up for the world.  I didn't mean to stay but I could not leave him.  Not when he was hurting.  Not that I have ever been able to leave him before. 

            I look at the crib at the foot of the bed where we are laying.  Different thoughts are running through my mind. I wish I could think about everything. But it's impossible, he is still clutching to me.  I am afraid that if I move I will wake him up. At least I am comfortable.

 He lost his son.  It is still hard for me to grasp.  Angel had a baby boy.  I can't help the little pang in my heart.  It wasn't with me, but that is not important.  He told me the whole story between sobs.  Wesley betraying him, Connor disappearing in another dimension, him summoning a demon name Sajhan.  And that demon telling him that he Connor was gone forever.  He told me that there was no way of opening another portal to the dimension to that world without destroying the world. I was taken aback when he told me that he had tried to kill Wesley because he'd given his son to his enemy.  I couldn't believe what he had gone through.

 I took it all in without a word sobbing as much as he was.  Nothing I would have said would have made the pain go away.  And that is what I wish I could do. Make him feel better by taking his pain. I wish I could take his heart and shield it with mine.  I smile at myself.  He told me that once.  I hug him tighter as the thought crosses my mind.  He mumbles something and pulls me even closer to him.  We are at eye level now.  He's eyes are still close.  He looks so tired. Beaten.  It must be hard to loose a child.  It hurts me to see him like this. He has always been strong, now he is a shell. A broken shell.  I hope that I am not too broken myself to help him.

I had called him because I was in trouble; I was spiraling into a dark place.  Now I think my problems in Sunnydale are trivial compare to his.  My friends have not betrayed me, and my sister is alive and kicking.  So they snatch me away from heaven? So I felt like life was not worth living.  Than I look at this man sleeping next to me and I think that I could die a thousand times if it meant that I could shield him from pain, that I could take away all the hurt from him.  I close my eyes and wish for it.  God, please let him get through this, please give me the strength to help him.

When I open my eyes, chocolate eyes are staring back at me.  His eyes are so sad and anguished.  I reach for his face.  

"Buffy?" he ask.  I touch him and pull his face closer to mine till our foreheads are touching, till our breaths are mingling.  

" Thank you." He says with an attempt of a smile.  My heart skips a beat.  Why is he thanking me?  I have not done anything yet.  I guess it's written all over my face because he adds. " For being here, for holding me, listening and not telling me everything will be all right."

            "Angel…" I start.  I still don't know what to say.  I should though.  People had told me so many things when my mom had died.  Had they help? I run through my mind but nothing meaningful pops up. " I'll stay here with you as long as you need me, we'll get threw this." 

A flash of pain appears on his face.  Maybe I should have not said that.  " How does Forever sounds to you." He replies.  That is what I told him when he came for my mom's funeral. I lean in and kiss him gently.  I hope he understand my answer.  I am forever with him.  He kisses me back and an embrace that had meant to be gentle begins to heat up.  He pulls me even closer than we were. I can feel his need for me and I can't deny the need I have of him.  I bury my hands in his hair. 

            "Buffy" he whispers in my ear, huskily.  My heart beats even faster if that is possible.  Nobody can say my name the way he does.  I know that we should stop but I don't want to.  I don't want to take this comfort away from him.  Or maybe I don't want to for selfish reasons.  I once told him that when he kissed me I wanted to die.  Not anymore.  Him kissing me now, in his pain and sorrow makes me want to live.  Yes I want to live so that I could get his son back to him, and to see him smile again.  I want to live so that I can protect him.  

      "Angel" I mumble between kisses.  He leaves my mouth now and is kissing my neck. His tongue is flickering on the mark he gave me.  I arch under the caress bringing the scar even closer to his lips.  I hear him moan. I can't help the smile that stretches my lips when I hear his reaction.  I love this vampire.  No.  I love this man.  To me that is what he is.  He moves so that I am pin under him.  I can't help the slight grinding of my hips as his make contact with mine.  Buffy you are getting into dangerous territory here.  You know that pretty soon you won't be able to stop.  I hate that annoying voice in my head.  I know how to quiet it.  I capture Angel lips with mine and my world shatters into a million pieces.  I pour all of me in that kiss. My strength, my love, my pain, everything that make me who I am, I give it to him.  I always think of Angel as my champion.  I want to be his this time. 

      I break this kiss to come out for hear.  He is looking at me.  We are thinking the same thing that we want to drown ourselves in one another. Take comfort in each other so that the pain could go away.  I pull him to me and put his head on my chest.  We won't.  We'll hold each other instead and who knows maybe we might talk.

      " I need to get up" Says Angel after a while. I look down at him my eyes glazed over.  I had started to doze off.  I hadn't had a good night sleep for a while. He is studying me now.  " Are you hungry?" I smile at him.  Even in his pain he thinks of others.  He doesn't wait for an answer and gets up. He runs his fingers through his tousled hair and yawns.  I wonder what time it is.  I look at my watch and notice that the day is almost over.  My eyes follow every movement he makes.  When he disappears out the door I get out of the bed and head to the bathroom.

      The girl that looks back at me in the mirror looks like a ghost.  One with a bad hairdo anyway and wrinkled clothes.  I walk back in the room and pick up my bag.  I decide to take a shower.  A cold one.

*    *    *

       A few minutes later I come out of the bathroom all refreshed.  Angel is sitting on his bed.  He has changed clothes and looks a little refresh.  He is drinking something from a mug and next to him there is a tray with a sandwich and a glass of what looks like milk.  I sit next to him and take a bite at the sandwich and a sip of my drink.  It is milk.  He doesn't say anything to me.  I notice that he is staring at the crib as if he can will the child that slept there to reappear.  I let out a sigh and he looks at me.  The sadness is still there but it has lessened.  I cover his hand with mine and squeeze it gently.  

      " Do you like your food?" He asks.  I blush.  I had taken a few bites at the sandwich and put it aside.  I haven't been that hungry lately.  " What about you?" I say not wanting to tell him that. He shows me the mug that he was holding earlier.  He did eat.  That is a good thing.  When my mom had died it had taken me a while before I had been able to eat.

      "So?" I want to say something. Anything.  He gets up and picks up the blanket and the little bear that was on the floor.  I feel a knot tighten in my throat.  I wish I had met that little baby.   That boy that must have looked so much like his father.  Did he? I look around to see if there is a picture of the baby.  But I don't see any.  I get up and I stand right behind Angel.  I put my hand on his shoulder.  His hand covers mine for a little while.  Than he turns around and using my hand he pulls me in his arms. I feel him bury his face in my hair and inhale. 

      "Tell me about Connor." I ask. I feel him stiffen.  Maybe it's too soon for him to talk about him.  I don't know how long it's been since he lost him.  I run a hand down his back soothing him.  He relaxes under my caresses. 

      " He was my little miracle.  I never thought that something like that could ever happen to me." He starts.  I close my eyes trying to put images to what he is talking about. Images of him changing diapers and making bottles run through my head.  I smile to myself wishing I had been there.  He tells me about his first trip to the doctors.  The more he talks, the more I get to know about this little boy that was taken away from him.  When he is done I feel like we have been standing in each other's arms for ages. 

      "I wish you had gotten the chance to meet him, you would love him," he mumbles startling from my thoughts. I squeeze him tight and take in his scent. 

       " I know I would, because he is a part of you." I look up at him.

      " I can't believe he is gone," he whispers. The hurt in his voice break my heart.  I stretch and place a gentle kiss on his lips. He kisses me back with ardor.  I let out a moan as I feel his hand intertwine in my hair.  He gently tugs at my hair bringing my head further back.  I part my lips letting him in me.  I let my hand run over his chest, his back, his shoulder than I plunge them in his hair keeping our lips locked in this passionate and healing kiss. 

      "OH MY GOD!" 

      Both Angel and I are startled when we hear that and let go of each other in haste.  We look at the next room.  Cordelia, flanked with four people I don't recognize are standing there.  They all have their mouth open looking at us.  Cordelia has a package in her hand. She drops it. She looks at me for a little while.  I am half expecting a sarcastic remark about my attire, jeans and T-shirt, but she doesn't say anything.  Her eyes go back to Angel. Her eyes are full of sorrow.  I guess she heard about Connor. I think she looks different to me and I wonder what has changed.  Than I notice her hair.  She is blond.  I prefer her brunette.  

      " Angel?" She says and walks towards him. " Buffy" she lets out coldly as she steps in front of me.  From the look she gives me I know that she doesn't want me here.  I don't blame her.  Why should I be here, I didn't even know that the baby existed till a few hours ago.  While she must have helped him taken care for that child. To her it was as if she had lost her own child too. She throws her arms around him. He doesn't react at the beginning than returns the hug.  He is looking at me though.  I pick up my bag. And excuse myself.  I can hear Cordelia sobbing as I leave.  The strangers are following me leaving their friends to help each other in their time of grief.  

      " So you are Buffy," says a very tall black man.  I smile at him. "My name is Gunn.  Charles Gunn.  And this is Fred." He points to a frail brunette at his side. "Lorne" Pointing at a green man with horns and the brightest outfit I had ever seen.  Lorne seems to be studying me, which makes me feel a little uncomfortable. He seems to notice that and gives me a reassuring smile; well I think it is because it looks more like a grimace than anything else.  "This is Groo," adds Gunn, pointing at the last one in the group.  He is gorgeous.  He reminds me a bit of Angel for some reason.  He keeps staring at the door with longing. I wonder why? He must be with Cordelia.  I shake their hands in haste a little embarrassed by what they had witnessed.  As much as it's nice to meet them, I feel like I have overstayed my welcome. They look like nice people.  I say my goodbyes and head outside to where I had park the car.

      I stand by the car for a little while.  I look back at the entrance of the Hotel. I wish I didn't have to leave.  I wish I could have stayed and make sure that Angel would get better. But I know that he will be okay.  Cordelia, Gunn, Fred, Lorne and Groo will help him through this.  I have to go home. No. To Sunnydale.  My home is where my heart is.  And I know that mine is with Angel.  

      As I ready to open the door, I feel a familiar pull. I turn around and I find myself in Angel's arms.  

      "Buffy…"

      "Angel…" I whisper back at him.

      "I love you," he whispers in my hair. " …Thank you…" I lift my head and put one finger on his lips. He doesn't need to say more I hold him tighter. I love him too.  I came here for him and for me. So he could save my soul. I ended up helping him with his grief, which saved my soul. I want to tell him that.  Tell him that he makes me want to live, that being with him is heaven.  I want to tell him that everything will be fine.  That he will get his son back and that we will be happy ever after.  I don't. But someday I will.

      " I have to go," I say instead. He nods and lets me go.  I get in the car and start it.  I look at him as he crosses the street. And I pull away from the sidewalk. Sunnydale, here I come.  I can feel his eyes follow me.  I couldn't stay forever this time but I know that one day we will. I am going to live for that.  I will live so that Angel and I can have our forever. All I had to do was live.

The End 

**AN: Okay so they don't end up together… I promise to write a story where they end up together forever….  I hope you enjoyed …Thank you to those of you who have reviewed my story.  I know I need to work on my punctuation, my grammar and tons of other things.  Thanks for sticking with me till the end and thanks for the nice things that everyone said. ****J**


	4. Needed

 A/N: this is an alternate ending to my story remembrance …that was the one I originally wrote but I had lost it.  I think people might like this one better so I decided to post this one up as another ending…  I am continuing to write but because of computer problems …i.e. lack of computer I have been unable to update as often as I would like...thanx for your patience…^_______^           

I feel warm, safe.  I can feel a weight on my chest and the nearness of a body. Dawn? She sometimes creeps into my room and holds me at night when she has a nightmare or misses mother too much.  I slowly open my eyes.  "This is not my room," I think, looking around.  I recognize the place and I know that it's not Dawn that is holding on to me as if I was a lifesaver.  Angel. 

            I barely remember how I got on the bed.  He had started sobbing and had reached out for me.  I had gone to him and had done my best to give him comfort. I knew now why he was crying.  When he had gotten himself under control, he had told me about his son.  Connor.

Angel had never thought that he could have had a child.  It had been a miracle for him.  He had been so happy and than the baby had been taken from him.  He knew that his son was not dead but he would never be able to see him grow.  His son was gone.

            I had listened to him. I had had so many questions but I had not said anything.  It was not the time for me to make any comments or feel hurt that he had had a child and not told me.  Or that it was not his and mine.  But that was not important.  He had needed someone to talk to.  Someone who had not been there, someone like me, I guess. So I had just listened and taken him in my arms.  In between all the talking and the tears we had ended up on the bed.  

            I had lain down and he had put his head on my shoulder. I ran absent fingers in his hair. He look so tired but he said that he could not sleep knowing that his son was not there.  That he might never be able to see him again.  So I had told him that if he wanted my help, I would help. I told him that I was here for as long as he needed me.

            " How does forever work for you?" he had replied to me.  My heart had skipped a beat when I had heard him say the same words that I uttered to him when he had come after my mother's funeral. I had just held him closer knowing that it was the sorrow talking.  We had fallen asleep like that. Me holding him and him clinging on to me like a child. 

            Another day had come.  I had to get up.  I felt overwhelm from all I had learned the day before.  I could process it now that he was still asleep.  I look at him peacefully sleeping. " Oh God he has a son!" Had my mind corrected. And I cringed at the thought.  Just the thought of loosing Dawn was too much for me.  I wish I could have protected him from that, from the pain that I had seen in his eyes last night.  But I couldn't.  I did not even know where to start.  He had not told me he had a child to begin with. " When did we become such strangers with one another?" I look down at him and find myself staring at chocolate colored eyes.  

            "Angel" I whispered. 

            " I…am sorry…for not …telling you." He answered.  Tears came to my eyes.  Why was he sorry? IT was his time to grieve; I did not need any explanation now. Why was he thinking about how I would feel in a time like this? " Because he cares about you? Answered a voice in my head.  I pushed it aside.

            " You have nothing to be sorry about." I ran some fingers through his tussled hair. 

            "Angel, I am so sorry … OH MY GOD!!!" Came a voice from the opening of the room.  We both look to see who it was. 

            Cordelia was standing at the door.  At least I think it was she, she looked different.  Her exclamation brought a few more people scurrying behind her.  They were all shouting their worry not knowing what to expect but definitely not expecting the picture that Angel and I were offering in the bed. 

            " Oh my god!" echoed a little brunette standing next to Cordelia. A young Black man and a green man followed her in.  The green man cleared his throat but did not say anything.  

            Angel was still in my arms when the party came in.  I did not know most of them.  Other than Cordelia they were all strangers to me and I tighten my grip around Angel.  I felt the need to protect him against this invasion.  

            " Angel? Asked Cordelia coming closer to the bed.  I felt Angel let go of me with each step of hers and for some reason I felt a pang in my heart.  By the time she sat on the bed next to us he was closer to her than me.  She reached out to him and they just gave each other a look. That look said so much. I got off the bed and took a few step back from them.  

            " You are an outsider" said the voice in my head. " You don't belong here." And I felt it just by looking at Cordelia and Angel.  They were feeling the same lost.  She could understand him more.  She had known his son; she had taken care of that son.  I was not needed anymore.  I felt… forgotten. But wasn't it what you wanted" said that annoying voice in my head.  To be forgotten. 

            I walked around the bed unnoticed by the couple on the bed.  I could hear their low voices.  Cordelia was being supportive. Angel was telling her about his feelings. Angel was talking about his feelings.  He never told me about his feelings I thought.  I picked up my bag and walk towards the door.  The others that had come in after Cordelia were standing outside in the hall.  

            I could feel the curious eyes follow me as I pass them in direction to the lobby.  I knew that they must have been wondering who I was but I did not feel like talking.  I just wanted to go and forget what I had just seen.  I was not needed here, not anymore.  I was not even sure if I had been needed at all. 


End file.
